It’s funny how some things don’t seem hard until you made it though them and then you look back and think holy crap that was hard!! I can’t believe I did that.
And then there are other things that are hard from the get go. Things that scare you, but you push through them – because you HAVE to, even when you don’t WANT to.
Doing hard things is BRAVE.
I always thought that in order to do brave things & be brave that I had to stop being scared.
– Being brave isn’t the ABSENCE of fear.
Being BRAVE is pushing through the fear, it’s doing things even though you are scared.
It’s okay to be afraid!
Somewhere along the lines we are taught to Just stop being scared. While at times that can be a good thing, it has often stopped me from doing hard or things that brought on my fears. I would look at something and say well that scares me- so I guess I won’t do it.
Leaving my abusive relationship was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done, until last week.
Last week I spoke at my childhood friends funeral. She lost her battle with depression and took her own life. This news hit me so hard. Not only because I lost my dear friend, but because that could have been me.
There have been times where I felt so low, I’ve considered ending my life. Thinking it would just make it easier on everyone else around me.
I’m still in a fog of disbelief.
It’s a strange feeling that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around.
I can’t get her out of my mind.
I can’t stop thinking of her family, her husband, her kids, her mom, her dad, her sister, her brother and all of those beautiful people that came to celebrate her life.
Walking up to speak at her funeral was one of the most surreal things I have ever experienced.
I was scared, yet calm.
Anxious, yet confident.
In a shock of disbelief but yet so sober.
I knew there would be a lot of people there, But; there were A LOT of people there.
She impacted so many people, most she probably didn’t even realize she affected.
Amber accepted you for who you were and made you feel comfortable with yourself.
I wish I could have done the same for her.
I wish that there was something I could have done to help her.
Depression doesn’t care who you are or where you are in life.
It doesn’t care if you are an amazing mom, a wife, a fun friend, because Amber was all of those things and more.
It doesn’t care that you have overcome & battled through the hard stuff, it doesn’t care that you are the happiest you have ever been.
It takes all that good in your life and it tells you that you don’t deserve it. It tells you that you aren’t worth it. Then, when you least expect it- it sneaks up behind you taps you on the shoulder and sucker punches you right in the face.
This is why I have to work on myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is why I surround myself with people who challenge me and make me better- even when my introverted self wants to hide under a blanket.
This is why I love my job. It encourages me to work on my whole self. I not only get to work on my physical self but my mental and spiritual well being. I’m always learning and trying to be as real and transparent as possible- so that others know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be okay one day but not okay the next.
It’s hard, some days I’m good, other days- it’s a struggle. There are days where I want to quit and give up, But I push though it anyway. Then there are days where I have so much planned and so much I want to do I don’t even know where to start.
I won’t wake up one day and be magically “fixed.” I won’t just forget about my past. It doesn’t work that way. Believe me I wish it did. Whether I like it or not, my past has shaped me into the person I am today.
All the good, the bad & the ugly.
Those same choices and circumstances of my past- the ones that whisper in my ear & tell me I’m not good enough- also give me the strength to push through and prove to my past self I AM good enough.
Yes- I made mistakes, but I am learning that I am not a mistake. Those mistakes don’t define who I am.
It’s okay to struggle it’s okay to fail.
Learn from it.
I’m learning to embrace it.
I am learning that I can use it to help others.
If me being vulnerable, scared, embarrassed, honest & open helps just ONE person know they are not alone, than it’s all worth it.
Health & Healing is lifelong journey.
It’s not a destination. You are always moving.
Embrace it, work with it, grow with it.
It will be hard.
But I can do hard things.
And so can you-
Even if you are scared.