• P A I N •

Five years ago TODAY my hubby asked me to marry him. As you may know he had the paparazzi hiding in the bushes taking pics of us the whole time- and I had NO IDEA! 🤣

If you would have told me 6 years ago that within the next 6 years I would be happily married with a 2 year spitfire of a little girl, running my own mom boss business from the comfort of my home I would have probably laughed right in your face.

Six years ago I was in the deepest darkest place I have ever been.

I was in an abusive relationship, feeling stuck, feeling alone, feeling like I wanted out but I didn’t know HOW to leave. I didn’t know how to admit to anyone that I had let it get so bad.

He had control of all my money, my cell phone, my credit cards, my bank account, he told me when I could go to work and when I couldn’t.

I wasn’t allowed to leave the house or go anywhere unless he was with me, not even to go to the grocery store. He put a tracking app on my phone so he knew where I was at all times.

I was a prisoner in his home.

How did it get that way?

It sure didn’t start out that way.

No one in their right mind would jump into that willingly.

He started out loving, caring and kind.

He sent me roses to my work almost weekly.

He held the car door open for me.

He told me I was beautiful.

Then slowly it started to change.

The fun happy loving person changed into a horrible, controlling, mean, manipulating, abusive man. That still sent me flowers to work, to make himself look good- and to confuse me. CONFUSION is an abusers best friend.

I eventually got out.

But I had to take the steps to get out.

I had to get uncomfortable and admit what was going on.

I had to reach out and tell someone and ask for help.

This was not something I could do alone.

God sent me two amazing women, that helped me leave that horrible situation.

To this day I literally owe my life to them.

He got me home safe to my moms house.

He sent me to live with my cousin, who opened her home and let me live with her and her family rent free so I could get back on my feet.

She invited me to church, where I found my purpose and my passion.

She helped me find a job.

She helped me get on a budget so I could get out of debt & save money.

Because of her I accepted Jesus as my savior & was baptized.

God orchestrated all of that for me.

But I had to take the actions of accepting the help.

I had to give in and let others help me.

Then God sent me Dallas.

He knew I needed him.

He knew I needed a patient loving kind man, who supported me and loved me though my healing progress. Even when I was hard to deal with, even when things got bad, even when I lost all hope in myself, doubting that I would ever heal.

Dallas stayed, he told me I would get better- and he believed what he said.

He believed in me even when I didn’t.

My cousin believed in me even when I didn’t.

My friends believed in me even when I didn’t.

My family believed in me even when I didn’t.

If you are in a place in your life where you feel stuck, you feel like there is no way out. I’m here to tell you there is.

But you HAVE to take action.

You can’t sit there WISHING something will change.

You have to WORK for the change.

It won’t be EASY,

But take it from me,

It will be WORTH it.

You will have to step out of your comfort zone and do scary things.

I always thought that leaving the abusive relationship was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it wasn’t-

It was actually the SCARIEST thing I have ever done.

Staying in that relationship was the HARDEST thing I have ever done.

There are two types of pain in this world

The pain of discipline &

The pain of regret.

Don’t regret not trying,

That’s the most painful pain of all.

Our Muse

She is a rebel soul,

Who lives in her own state of

beautiful anarchy.

You see my dear friends,

Wild Hearts?

They can not be broken-

And you just can’t tame,

Those souls who are

meant to be free.

Amber Dawn;

You are our muse,

You are our poetry.

Giving the eulogy at my childhood friends funeral was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Something I never ever imagined I would have to do.

Depression is a horrible indescribable disease.

It’s something that those of you that don’t suffer from it can’t possibly understand.

It doesn’t care if you are a good mother, an amazing wife, a beautiful daughter or a fun friend. Amber was all of these things are more. It is an overwhelming darkness that can come at you out of nowhere and knock you down harder that you ever have been before. One minute you are fine and the next its a full blow sucker punch to the face. It’s that whisper in the back of your head, gently tapping on your shoulder telling you that you will never be enough.

I’ve been asked several times if I was mad at her or if I thought what she did was selfish. No.

I don’t think my friend was selfish.

She was the exact opposite of selfish.

She cared too much.

She worried too much.

She held the weight of the world on her shoulders and she trudged though the mud – trying to do it all herself, trying to be strong all by herself, not wanting to burden others with her problems. She trudged on trying to be the strong one until the weight eventually broke her.

She was far too strong for far too long.

I’m not mad at my dear friend –

I’m heartbroken.

My heart aches because she hurt so badly.

My spirit is crushed because she felt that the world would be better off without her in it.

Maybe you feel like she felt. that the things you have done or are doing are far too much to be forgiven.

Or that feeling that you will never be enough,

that you will never be able to do enough,

or fix enough.

Please know there is Hope.

The hope I have is not a wish or a dream.

The hope I have is a solid assurance.

An assurance that we are all loved and all forgiven for the things we have done, are doing or will do.

Grace is a free gift given to anyone, you just have to be willing to accept it.

You may make mistakes, but please know-

YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.

Please help me honor my friend and help others by taking a few mins and watch my eulogy at her service.

It’s on my Facebook page and should be public. I can’t figure out how to upload it here- but will do so as soon as I can.

You have my permission to share.

Janet’s Eulogy for Amber ❤️

If you know anyone that has struggled or is struggling with depression- Or- if you or anyone you know has been affected by suicide or depression-

Please like, comment, tag them in it, share this post and share this video with them.

There is always hope.

Someone can always help.

You are not too far gone.

You are not a burden.

Suicide National Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Online Chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

Both Available 24/7

Janet’s Eulogy for Amber ❤️

Being BRAVE.

It’s funny how some things don’t seem hard until you made it though them and then you look back and think holy crap that was hard!! I can’t believe I did that.

And then there are other things that are hard from the get go. Things that scare you, but you push through them – because you HAVE to, even when you don’t WANT to.

Doing hard things is BRAVE.

I always thought that in order to do brave things & be brave that I had to stop being scared.

– Being brave isn’t the ABSENCE of fear.

Being BRAVE is pushing through the fear, it’s doing things even though you are scared.

It’s okay to be afraid!

Somewhere along the lines we are taught to Just stop being scared. While at times that can be a good thing, it has often stopped me from doing hard or things that brought on my fears. I would look at something and say well that scares me- so I guess I won’t do it.

Leaving my abusive relationship was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done, until last week.

Last week I spoke at my childhood friends funeral. She lost her battle with depression and took her own life. This news hit me so hard. Not only because I lost my dear friend, but because that could have been me.

There have been times where I felt so low, I’ve considered ending my life. Thinking it would just make it easier on everyone else around me.

I’m still in a fog of disbelief.

It’s a strange feeling that I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around.

I can’t get her out of my mind.

I can’t stop thinking of her family, her husband, her kids, her mom, her dad, her sister, her brother and all of those beautiful people that came to celebrate her life.

Walking up to speak at her funeral was one of the most surreal things I have ever experienced.

I was scared, yet calm.

Anxious, yet confident.

In a shock of disbelief but yet so sober.

I knew there would be a lot of people there, But; there were A LOT of people there.

She impacted so many people, most she probably didn’t even realize she affected.

Amber accepted you for who you were and made you feel comfortable with yourself.

I wish I could have done the same for her.

I wish that there was something I could have done to help her.

Depression doesn’t care who you are or where you are in life.

It doesn’t care if you are an amazing mom, a wife, a fun friend, because Amber was all of those things and more.

It doesn’t care that you have overcome & battled through the hard stuff, it doesn’t care that you are the happiest you have ever been.

It takes all that good in your life and it tells you that you don’t deserve it. It tells you that you aren’t worth it. Then, when you least expect it- it sneaks up behind you taps you on the shoulder and sucker punches you right in the face.

This is why I have to work on myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is why I surround myself with people who challenge me and make me better- even when my introverted self wants to hide under a blanket.

This is why I love my job. It encourages me to work on my whole self. I not only get to work on my physical self but my mental and spiritual well being. I’m always learning and trying to be as real and transparent as possible- so that others know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be okay one day but not okay the next.

It’s hard, some days I’m good, other days- it’s a struggle. There are days where I want to quit and give up, But I push though it anyway. Then there are days where I have so much planned and so much I want to do I don’t even know where to start.

I won’t wake up one day and be magically “fixed.” I won’t just forget about my past. It doesn’t work that way. Believe me I wish it did. Whether I like it or not, my past has shaped me into the person I am today.

All the good, the bad & the ugly.

Those same choices and circumstances of my past- the ones that whisper in my ear & tell me I’m not good enough- also give me the strength to push through and prove to my past self I AM good enough.

Yes- I made mistakes, but I am learning that I am not a mistake. Those mistakes don’t define who I am.

It’s okay to struggle it’s okay to fail.

Learn from it.

I’m learning to embrace it.

I am learning that I can use it to help others.

If me being vulnerable, scared, embarrassed, honest & open helps just ONE person know they are not alone, than it’s all worth it.

Health & Healing is lifelong journey.

It’s not a destination. You are always moving.

Embrace it, work with it, grow with it.

It will be hard.

But I can do hard things.

And so can you-

Even if you are scared.